Je raakt soms op een punt in je leven waar alles anders gaat dan dat jij zelf eigenlijk bedacht had. Ik heb een positieve levensinstelling maar soms wordt je ongelofelijk onderuit gehaald. Dit gebeurt natuurlijk in grote lijnen door jezelf maar ook door externe factoren die de revue passeren. Dit is nu bij mij een beetje het geval.
Ik heb dromen, of deze haalbaar zijn is niet heel belangrijk, wat wel belangrijk is dat je voor jezelf weet wat daarin jou grens is. Deze grens kan alleen door jouzelf bepaald worden. Deze grens heb ik weer dik overschreden. Wat tot gevolg heeft dat ik vastloop op meerdere fronten. Zonder dat ik daar in eerste instantie erg in heb. Ik ben een pleaser, dit betekend dat een ieder in mijn omgeving voorrang heeft op mijzelf en mijn behoeften. Dit betekend ook dat ik mijzelf uithol om een ieder op de eerste plaats te zetten, zo ook alle situaties waar ik niets aan kan veranderen.
Werk
Hier kwam als eerste één en ander tot uiting. Ik werk in de Langdurige zorg, dit betekend dat ik werk met kwetsbare mensen. Mijn geduld was heel snel op waardoor ik mensen niet het begrip kan geven wat zij echt nodig hebben. Het viel mij zelf al op maar ook mijn collega’s. Dit heeft als gevolg dat ik mij moest ziekmelden. Mijn huisarts was hier erg duidelijk in, als ik zo doorga op deze manier dan wordt het alleen maar erger. Zij geeft aan dat ik eigenlijk gewoon een Time Out moet nemen van alles wat ik moet. Dat is makkelijker gezegd dan gedaan. Een rem op mijn school, mijn werk en mijn privé wat mij geen rust geeft momenteel.
Op mijn werk heerst momenteel een hoge werkdruk. Dit betekend dat ik mijn school nu in één jaar moet afronden om bij mijn organisatie te blijven. Met een afgeronde opleiding kan ik een stapje hoger, wat betekend dat ik kan blijven. Nu is het punt dat ik nog twee jaar heb voor mijn opleiding, deze tijd heb ik ook nodig. Naast mijn 32urige werkweek heb ik een man, een huishouden, twee inwonende bonusdochters, 3 kleinkinderen en mijn grote kinderen met vriend en vriendin. Dan heb ik het nog niet eens over mijn dingen, vriendinnen, sporten, schrijven, hardlopen en al het andere wat bij mij hoort.
Ik vraag mij nu af, is dit het waard? Waarom moet ik mijn HBO halen? Waarom moet ik mijn hele leven 32 uur werken? Wanner krijg ik een leuk en gelukkig leven. Waarin ik mijn liefde voor mijn gezin kwijt kan en mij niet altijd opgejaagd hoef te voelen. Confronterend! Is het de leeftijd, is het gewoon mijn innerlijke strijd om altijd maar goed gevonden te worden? Wat wil ik bewijzen? Dit wordt dus een behoorlijke zoektocht. Maar het is niet erg want ik doe het voor mijzelf en een ieder die bij mij hoort.
Privé
Dit is een heel ander verhaal. Mijn privé is mij heilig, hier vecht ik voor als een leeuwin. Het kan mij ook niet schelen als een ander dit te overdreven vind, voor mij is mijn gezin heel erg belangrijk.
Maar ook dit geeft momenteel stress. De dochters van mijn man wonen nu inmiddels vier en een halve maand bij ons, dit gebeurde omdat hun moeder het allemaal niet meer aankon. De opvoeding, het puberen, eigenlijk alles. De afgelopen maanden zijn de meiden bijna niet bij haar geweest maar dat is nu weer aan het opbouwen. Waar ik last van heb is de wonderbaarlijke genezing van de ex vrouw van mijn man. Huilend, gillend, hyperventilerend zat zij in Juli bij ons aan tafel. Ook daar maakte ik mij druk om, hoe kon ik haar helpen, hoe kon ik zorgen dat de meiden hun moeder zagen, hoe kon ik haar helpen? Dit lukte niet want er was niets aan de hand, zij wilde alleen niet meer voor haar dochters zorgen. Ik bleef mijn best doen. Uiteindelijk wil zij na mijn goedbedoelde raad niets meer met mij te maken hebben. Inmiddels is het helemaal goed met haar, zij kan een gigantisch bedrag eisen van mijn man, gebaseerd op niet relevante cijfers. De kinderen wil zij niet terug, wel haar kind gebonden budget en haar huurtoeslag en daarbij een flinke bonus. Wat mijn man altijd heeft gezegd, zij is door en door geslepen blijkt waar te zijn. Ben ik dan zo naïef? Ik ga uit van het goede van de mens, tot het tegendeel bewezen is. Is dat dan nu?
Wat op ons een hele grote invloed heeft, blijft ons bedrijf bestaan, komen wij de winter door? Maar het grootste punt is: Waar hebben wij dit aan verdiend? Alle branden bij haar geblust, al jaren. Alle problemen voor haar opgelost, geluisterd en geholpen. En nu geeft zij aan dat het heel dom is dat de kinderen overgeschreven zijn naar mijn man, want zij heeft geen belastingvoordelen meer, zij wilde niet de kinderen wel het geld. Wij willen de kinderen graag iets meegeven in hun opvoeding wat niet met geld te leren is. Wij krijgen geen alimentatie, kind gebonden budget of huursubsidie. Maar wel heel veel liefde en gezelligheid.
Maar financieel is nu een stressfactor door een onterechte hoge eis. Als hovenier komt er zo’n 10 weken geen geld binnen in de winter en redden wij het elk jaar net. Maar ook dit moet ik los laten omdat ik de meiden niet wil belasten en ik er zelf niets aan kan veranderen.
De afgelopen jaren heb ik veel voor mijn kiezen gehad, maar ik kwam er altijd weer doorheen. Mensen hebben mij gekwetst, maar ik liet mij niet van mijn stuk brengen. En nu zal mijn werk en de ex van mijn man, mij even onderuit halen? Ik dacht het niet!
Toch moet dit alles eerst een plekje krijgen, en moet ik de kracht vinden om mijzelf weer te zijn. Gelukkig werkt zorgen voor een ieder die mij lief is voor mij helend. Dit is ook waar ik goed in ben. Tenslotte heb ik weer twee dochters in huis, die van mij hetzelfde mee krijgen als mijn eigen kinderen. Je bent het waard om jezelf te kunnen zijn. Want jij bent goed zoals je bent, met alle nukken en puberbuien. En je kunt alles bereiken wat je wil, want echt…..de wereld is een uitdaging.
Uiteindelijk spreekt het recht! En dan…………ben ik allang weer mijzelf!
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